My morning has been filled with hope and plans for the day. I took a shower (yea!) and schemed about everything I will accomplish today because I'm feeling pretty okay. My plans include doing all the laundry, having the dishes done when the kids get home so they don't have to do them, making muffins for after school snacks, doing yoga, and maybe squeaking in a bit of sewing (I dreamed about Elisabeth's mobile). And the dining room floor needs a good scrubbing.
I realize I will be lucky if even one of my plans comes to fruition.
I think if I just push through the hard parts I'll be fine. My brain echoes with "No pain, no gain!" My body feels tired today - shoulders, back - like I was doing push-ups in my sleep. I'm having fakey contractions this morning. Lots of them, but nothing to stop me in my tracks. So do I push through it? Have I been too easy on myself? Is this another case of me just being dramatic? Would a million other women be able to handle all this without blinking? Is it just me?
I keep telling myself, "I am strong. I am courageous. I am kind." But that's not how I feel. It is an exercise in personal brainwashing.
I think, if I'm going to have contractions all day lying on the couch, or contractions all day accomplishing something - then I may as well get up and do something, right? But then, when I sit down after being up and about for a while, and I feel that physical relief and my breath slowing down, I realize there is value in the rest.
And I have a beautiful little girl who takes precedence in all of this. A baby girl who is relying on me to not push to my absolute limits right now. A daughter who needs her mama to put her first for just a couple more months because I am the sole person who can help her finish making her perfect little body.
So really, this isn't about me. At all. This is about her. This is about losing myself in complete service to my baby. Literally offering my whole body and my life for the life of another. For my daughter. That's really what all this is about, isn't it? It's about understanding the Atonement just a little bit better - what it means to love others as Christ loves us. To understand, in a tiny part, how God loves me.
I will be better. I will be stronger. Not the muscle-way, but the spirit-way. I will be more courageous. And I will be kinder - facing this challenge with more love in my heart (and in my mouth) not only for my baby, but for my whole family, and for my Savior. I will be better.
And now I am going to give my best to my husband and our children and our baby by making sure this little one is not under stress of any kind, and has plenty of time to finish growing and getting ready to enter this world, even though it means all my plans are put on hold – for now – for her.