Baby Models

I’m sure babies come in an infinite variety of makes and models.  Ours have come in four completely different models.  I wonder if God would ever consider putting together an order form.  You could select the qualities you would like in a baby, or how long certain phases in a child’s life would last.  Of course all of this would only be helpful if the little “filled order” form came with the delivery so you could be reminded that you actually asked for all that stuff.

Here are the four Hawkins family baby models.  None of them are for sale.  You will have to figure out your own makes and models.

Model A:

 

Luckily our first.  We were so excited to simply have this little one that we did not know things could be better.  Model A will not sleep more than two hours at a time for the first three months, or so.  This model must eat every two hours, without fail.  This model must nurse practically 24 hours a day seven days a week because he will not take a bottle or pacifier.  At the age of four (we are talking years here, not months) the concept of thumb-sucking will finally hit home.  At this point, however, it is not a habit one encourages.  Also, this model throws-up constantly for the first five months, or until he can sit up on his own. The perk on this model is that he is the first and could not possibly be more doted upon (at least until the next one comes along).

Model B:

Model B is most easily recognized by an over—active salivary gland.  Unlike Model A, Model B is rarely seen without a bulbous pacifier hanging from his mouth.  His lips never quite manage to wrap themselves all the way around the pacifier to form a complete vacuum, consequently the drool that is constantly being manufactured is not swallowed, but soaking his face and clothing (and you, if you get too close).  This model sleeps for three to four hours at a time.  This is a marked improvement over Model A; however, this sleep pattern continues for the entire first three years of life.  Perks on this model are a winning personality causing perfect strangers to declare “What a darling little baby!  Don’t you just love him?!?”

Model C:

Model C comes out of nowhere and will change your baby model expectations forever.  This is not a good choice for your first baby because no other model will be able to compete with the night sleep schedule.  This little one sleeps twelve solid hours every single night for the first six months!  The term “sleep deprivation” will never enter your consciousness (at least until the baby is  six-months-old and then starts waking once during the middle of every single night for the following six months).  Model C is not the best nurser, but takes a pacifier (and keeps the saliva in check).  She comes with the biggest, brownest, most gorgeous eyes you’ve ever seen (and believe me, she knows how to use them).  This model is also a great choice if you would like to forgo the “terrible-twos”.  A warning, though, this one will start hitting below the belt – and I mean hard – at three-and-a-half. 

Model D:

Our most current and updated baby model is Model D.  This model wakes every four to five hours during the night.  She is an efficient nurser, and (here comes the major perk) is self-burping!  No more endless patting on the back.  No spewing forth an entire feeding because the bubble is at the bottom of all that milk.  Oh, no!  This model has a built- in signal to stop eating as soon as a bubble is detected.  Simply sit her up, bend slightly at the waist, and you will instantly and unmistakably know that bubble has been popped.  Baby Model D is also blissfully calm and content; not one to cry or fuss.  Model D is not a good choice for a first baby.  You will be spoiled, but you won’t realize it until you have a Model A or a Model B and then you will regret that you didn’t appreciate what you had when you had it.