As my son stomped out of the house this morning in a full-blown rage, with the only provocation being told he had to go to school, I couldn’t help but wonder what part of this growing personality is mine? What part did I plant in him in infancy and feed and water and nurture until it grew into this frightening monster that appears from time to time? I get so discouraged when I see my kids do things or hear things coming out of their mouth that I know came from me. And I think, “Oh, I’ve cursed them – they’re doomed.” On the other hand they will do something wonderful and helpful and I think, “Yea! They’re learning. We’re getting something right!” But as I see all of the very different personalities of my children, who are all raised differently, but by the same two people, I wonder if I have anything to do with it at all. And I know I do, but how much? How much of my son’s explosive tantrum this morning was my responsibility? It’s the whole Nature vs. Nurture question. And it’s a question I struggle with constantly.
At what point do you say to your child “I’m sorry you’re struggling with this. I hope you can figure something out,” and at what point do you assume responsibility and do everything in your power to fix the situation? Sometimes I feel that I am not expressing enough love to my family, so I cook. I make pancakes for breakfast, veggie platters for afterschool snacks, a feast for dinner with an ice cream covered dessert. I do most of the dishes because I don’t want them to be put out and I pick up after them constantly just so they won’t have to hear my nagging voice. They just get grumpier and grumpier and I get more and more frustrated, so the goodies subside and the jobs increase and everyone seems happier after a few days of complaining about the job increase, and then it all starts falling apart again.
We make a million decisions in our lifetimes regarding our children. The things we do with them; when to push and when to let it go; what to encourage or discourage; when to fix it and when to let them learn how to cope. All these decisions have an impact on the development of these little people, their memories and sense of self-worth. It seems there are endless amounts of worry in child-rearing. In the end, what really counts? In the end, how much is my responsibility? and how much is my child’s? And do I really care how much is mine or his when I just want him to be happy? But you can’t make a person happy – it’s a personal choice. But am I doing everything I can to help make that choice just a little bit easier for them, or a little more natural? And is all of this just a matter of not getting enough sleep?
Does anybody really ever really figure this stuff out? Or do you just get through it? And if it’s just a matter of “getting through”, is that really how I want to live my life, and how I want to teach my children to live? It seems like there must be a better way. I’m truly grateful I have as many kids as I do because I hope I will finally be the parent I want to be by the last one. Djeryd, you have my sincerest condolences and appreciation for blazing the “childhood trail” in our home.
4 comments:
Raising kids is a challenge that each parent goes through with each individual child. They all react to the same discipline differently. A lot of it is their own personality. I'm beginning to learn that the busier they are, the happier they are. I don't mean meaningless busyness, but interesting activities that they initiate or enjoy. They really do like having done a job well. They take about 25 years to fully develop, so expect them to get bent out of joint from time to time as they are still growing. Heck, I still get grumpy with my lot in life now and then! Don't just "hang in there", do all that you know you already do with your family. You are a great, interesting, creative, loving mom!
I agree. You are a very loving mom who cares deeply about your children and how you are as a mother. Life is not always easy. We are taught that there is opposition in all things. If we don't experience the tantrums then we can't truly appreciate the wonderful times when they are happy and cooporative and loving and kind. They also need to experience the tantrums and the joys so they can learn to choose those things that will give them the most joy. It has taken me years to learn to make those choices that will lead me to joy. I sent too many years being cranky and not enjoying the moments that I was in. Thankfully I can still learn and find more joy everyday. Your kids will too, but don't expect it in a day. Learn to find joy even when you kids are cranky. I know I did not learn that very well when you kids were small. I am doing much better as a Grandma.
This post reminded me of something my mom told me when I was agonizing to her on the phone about what a mess I thought I was making of Christopher's life (when he was just 2 1/2!). She said:
"Annalea, your imperfections are part of your children's mortal experience. And that's what the atonement is for."
Hang in there . . . before you know it, you'll be loving being a mom again. It all just goes in cycles, doesn't it? Sometimes from minute to minute. ;o)
Great topic. I wonder about this too. For me, I like to take credit for all the 'good' my children do, but find it depressing when I take that same approach to the 'bad' they do. I don't want to stress too much, just try to do my best, knowing I'm not perfect.
I love your blog and admire your mothering. Those kids are so lucky to have you!
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