In an effort to maintain honesty and realism in my blog I am feeling the need to account for some of the untold moments of my life lately. My blog is usually pretty happy and crafty and ideal sounding. Which is not an honest snapshot of my life (by any stretch of the imagination). The honest truth is I am crazy - pregnant crazy. I hate the fact that no matter what I put on, no matter how much time I spend on my hair, no matter how much make-up I am wearing, I look huge, pregnant, uncomfortable and unattractive. I don't like people right now. I have very little patience with both big and small things. I cry a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. I am scared to death to have another baby, another child to parent when I feel I am failing so miserably with the three I already have. I battle with over-anxiousness as I contemplate the looming changes in our lives. I doubt my ability to love.
I know deep down in my guts that everything will be fine, and that life really is good, and really will be good. But it is hard to bring all that to my consciousness at the moment. I am swallowed up in my own "problems" (which are mostly blessings) so much that I can't see the forest for the trees. I think that is why I have tried to do this service project thing each month. I like spending the time thinking about how I can help someone else - to get outside of myself.
The crazy part is I love being a mother. Love it, love it. I just get so frustrated with myself that I don't do the job justice. I feel like I am missing out on so many parent-child-relationship-building-things simply because I don't know what they are. I know I am doing the best job I can, but I don't know what I should or could be doing to make it a richer experience for all of us. I just keep having to tell myself that the important thing is that I am trying. I just wish my efforts did not feel like they fall so very short.
Sorry this is kind of a downer post, but it's real. All that said, I do have to say that on Sunday my two boys sat together and actually sang both the opening and Sacrament hymns with a book between them - of their own volition. A landmark first. It made me feel ridiculously happy.
2 years ago
6 comments:
I want you to know that I know your family very well, and I know that you do a tremendous job raising them. I know how it feels, when nothing seems to be sinking in, or that you ought to be doing something else. Do NOT let yourself get caught in that trap! You are a wonderful mother. You do so many great things for them. They are lucky to have such a creative and loving mommy. Everything will look brighter in about a month. You can't do everything you want to do for your family or yourself. There is simply too much possibility. You just have to pick and choose what you like best and do those things. I love you!
Isn't it wonderful that we have our children for at lesat 18 or more years so we have plenty of time to do things right at least once in awhile? If we only had 1 week to be a perfect mother we would all fail. If we only had a year we would fail. But thankfully we have a lifetime and we can be perfect at least sometimes.
The other wonderful thing is how forgiving our children are. Every day is a new day with a clean slate and our children love us unconditionally and we love them unconditionally. Every once in a while we get a perfect day. Those days make up for all the not so perfect days.
You are a wonderful wife and mother and you really do a fantastic job. Especially when I compare you to how I was as a mother. Thankfully you have greatly surpased me and I'm glad!
Oh MyLiege! I am so sorry that you are feeling so down and anxious. I think you are a great mother and I know that your kids think so as well! I completely understand your feelings of aprehension with this fourth baby. I almost felt like I was having my second when you weren't sure if you could love another child. But she is here and I realize that I couldn't love her more and I know that same thing will happen for you.
As for feeling fat and unattractive.....that hasn't gone away so much. But hopefully you will snap back faster than I am! You are beautiful and an amazing mother and wife. Please don't worry so much!
Thanks for the "keeping it real" post. I need to be better about that on my blog, because we all feel this way sometimes and it helps to hear that others are going through it too.
I think that as mothers we are super critical of ourselves and we dwell too much on what we THINK we aren't doing. When instead we should be focusing on our strengths as mothers and what we are doing for and with our kids. The most important thing is that we love them and that we try our best, which is definitely what you are doing! It was such a treat to have Anna here the other day, and there is no doubt in mind she is getting some darn good motherin'! =-)
If you need help feeling better you can come to my house anytime. I find it has helped me feel better in down times to see and realize that others homes are not the showcase model home. Realizing that others have their laundry piled up or dishes not done is very helpful to my mental well being. Those that seem like the perfect mother have many little issues hidden in their closet. We each have our strengths. Focus on your strengths. Relax and enjoy life. Perfection is overrated.
So the entire time I was reading your feelings I just kept thinking of how you are an amazing person, MyLiege. I've always thought that. You have always been an awesome example of just doing the right thing, and doing it well.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It's hard that thoughts and feelings are real, even when we know we might be off base. And being pregnant doesn't ever make it any easier to have clarity of mind and an objective view of our standings in life.
I LOVE and MISS you dearly!
Congratulations on your new sweet baby girl!
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