In a Nutshell

I would love to post some big long posts with lots of pictures and intelligent thoughts. That is not a possibility. So this is what you all get: some one-liners on what's been swimming around my brain these past few weeks.

:: We watched Stand and Deliver in honor of Mr. Escalanta's death last week - man, we lead an easy life.

:: Fevers and fevers and fevers, oh my!

:: I have consumed more Advil over the past three weeks than I have over my entire life combined - times ten - I jest not.

:: I can feel the control I used to wield every day evaporating from my life - I think I like it better this way.

:: General Conference was AMAZING - virtually every talk was written just for me.

:: We bought a wii - finally - and borrowed a separate TV to hook it up to. I am desperately praying we will not regret the decision (we have not had a television for over 10 years - this is uncharted territory).

:: A daily shower is priceless.

:: Any daddy who gets up with his baby in the middle of the night so his wife can sleep is a saint - Sean, you have a very shiny halo.

:: I realized I am not going to get any decent pictures of my spring blooms because I am too tired to go outside and snap the shots - and I really don't care - there's always next year.

:: Disneyland is only a year and half away - yea!!!!

:: I LOVE having four kids - life is seriously good.

:: My baby is so very scrumptious!

Things I'm Loving

:: cooking, crafting, and cleaning hip-to-hip with my sweet Annabelle

:: pancakes for breakfast (instead of for dinner, for a change)

:: every single one of these people

:: my amazing, wonderful, gorgeous husband - you have no idea how good he is to me

:: daffodils blooming, and primroses, and camillias, and hyacinth, and . . .

:: the comfort of knowing there will be plenty of projects to work on once we adjust to our new life

:: the marvelous, glorious prospect of this little person finally coming into being

:: and most importantly - redemption - through my Savior, Jesus Christ

In All Honesty

In an effort to maintain honesty and realism in my blog I am feeling the need to account for some of the untold moments of my life lately. My blog is usually pretty happy and crafty and ideal sounding. Which is not an honest snapshot of my life (by any stretch of the imagination). The honest truth is I am crazy - pregnant crazy. I hate the fact that no matter what I put on, no matter how much time I spend on my hair, no matter how much make-up I am wearing, I look huge, pregnant, uncomfortable and unattractive. I don't like people right now. I have very little patience with both big and small things. I cry a lot. I mean a lot, a lot. I am scared to death to have another baby, another child to parent when I feel I am failing so miserably with the three I already have. I battle with over-anxiousness as I contemplate the looming changes in our lives. I doubt my ability to love.

I know deep down in my guts that everything will be fine, and that life really is good, and really will be good. But it is hard to bring all that to my consciousness at the moment. I am swallowed up in my own "problems" (which are mostly blessings) so much that I can't see the forest for the trees. I think that is why I have tried to do this service project thing each month. I like spending the time thinking about how I can help someone else - to get outside of myself.

The crazy part is I love being a mother. Love it, love it. I just get so frustrated with myself that I don't do the job justice. I feel like I am missing out on so many parent-child-relationship-building-things simply because I don't know what they are. I know I am doing the best job I can, but I don't know what I should or could be doing to make it a richer experience for all of us. I just keep having to tell myself that the important thing is that I am trying. I just wish my efforts did not feel like they fall so very short.

Sorry this is kind of a downer post, but it's real. All that said, I do have to say that on Sunday my two boys sat together and actually sang both the opening and Sacrament hymns with a book between them - of their own volition. A landmark first. It made me feel ridiculously happy.

Redemption

This is what the quilt looked like from the back on Thursday night. The thought of that grid framing the face of my newborn child was more than I could bear (or is it bare?). After crying into Sean's shoulder when he got home from work, I trekked out to Jo-Ann's for backing that I loved. When I got home, Sean and I spent two hours ripping off the old binding and pinning the new backing.

With the spritely green binding I knew I needed to add a few spots of green into the quilt to "tie" it all together anyway. This provided a perfect solution to replacing the backing on the already quilted quilt - simply tie on the new one and re-bind it all. It took me about half of the day to tie and re-bind the quilt, but it was all so worth it!

Please note how that luscious new backing (very last photograph) compliments the quilt so perfectly. Now, no matter how the quilt is flopped over or wrapped around, it frames smiles beautifully. (The original backing material I purchased a month ago did not compliment the quilt once it was finished - it just didn't look right. Because I was stressed and in a hurry, I decided to just use the white backing and call it good. Well, it was not good, and only went to prove that doing things right the first time saves a lot of time. Moral of the story: you can never have enough beautiful fabric on hand - must buy more.) ;>

It's Done

Well, it's done. That's pretty much all there is to say. I am not crazy about it. It did not turn out the way I wanted, but I am coming to grips with it. I can't even take or crop a decent picture of it. I think I am out of my groove. The thing I hate the most about the quilt (and I mean hate) is I used a plain white muslin backing. It looks terrible and like it is only fit for hanging on the wall. I did all of the stitching with purple thread and so the back of the quilt is a grid. It looks terrible. I am too tired and annoyed to rip it all apart and start over with a different backing. I just keep having terrible visions of swaddling up my new baby girl in a quilt that has taken me months, and is so very lovely on the surface, and that nasty backing being what is curled up around her face. Let this be a lesson to me - always choose a fabric I like for the back - and one that works well with the quilting thread. Grrrrrrrr. Maybe in a month or two I will make a new one and just put this one on the wall over the crib. Until then I will deal with it, doing my best to hide the backing (especially when the camera is around), and move on to all those Easter presents.

In Progress: Sleeping

As we all know, babies spend most of the first three months of their lives asleep. I have been working here and there (not as steadily as I would like) on Alyxandria's quilt and some sheets for her first bed. I finished the quilt top last week (now it just has to be quilted), and I whipped up her first of two sheets this afternoon (must always have a change of sheets for babies).

I am so in love with this fabric! I want to buy a whole bolt and make bedding and curtains and dresses and skirts and capris and all kinds of other adorable things for my girls! I LOVE it!!

Sean set up the port-a-crib last night in our room. All of a sudden things are starting to feel very real and very soon. I can't help thinking of all the things I want to do or have done before the baby arrives; raised beds to put in, spring jammies made for the boys, books read, sheets made, crib set up, kids' bedrooms completely reorganized, Alyx's quilt finished, Montessori work areas set up for Anna in the living room, drapes hemmed, a floral photo collage on the landing, pictures hung, boxes sorted, flower seeds sown, etc., etc., etc. I know it is completely normal and natural to "nest" at this point. The challenge for me is trying to enjoy this preparation stage, instead of allowing myself to be stressed-out by it. Sean keeps telling me to breathe. The only problem with that is there is this baby in my stomach that is completely compressing my lungs. ;>

Alyx's Quilt

The sincerest form of gratitude for a gift is to use it, right? Here is my thank you to my husband (and everyone who worked on my studio). And here is my thank you to my in-laws. I am using my studio to make a beautiful quilt for my new baby. And I am using my new camera flash to document it (I actually use my flash for everything).

I found instructions online for a "Broken Dishes" quilt pattern (pictured in the background of the top photo) a month or so ago. I realized if I reversed the two half-blocks I could create a "Pinwheel" pattern, which I think is more cheerful looking. Anna and I hit the fabric store, and what you see above is our girly-girl inspiration. I think it is going to be beautiful.

We also picked up some fabric for sheets for the port-a-crib, which will be Alyx's bed for the first few months. So much to do in just six short weeks. ;>

Bits and Pieces

I feel something of a compulsion to note the little happenings of our lives on my blog. My kids love to go through and peruse past posts. So, in that vane, here are some bits a pieces of our lives this past week. Anna and I finally finished our ladybug counting project. They line the front hall and Anna works on her numbers whenever they catch her fancy.

We made fimo necklaces in Activity Days and the kids wanted to try out the clay when we got home. Sean was gone that night so it turned out to be a bit of a lifesaver for my sanity. The kids were engrossed, and it was very relaxing to fiddle around with the substance for me, as well.

Our lovely cat (the cat formerly known as Gigi) is settling down quite a bit and we are enjoying him ever so much more now that his claws are clipped (yes, you read right - he is a he - not a she). Why we did not trim-up Greyor's little scratchy things sooner is beyond me. Anna keeps walking around the house telling Greyor he is a very good kitty now that doesn't scratch.

And, as you can see, we are all anxiously awaiting the arrival of the new little sister. Clothes are washed and organized and hung; a quilt is planned and waiting to be started (maybe tomorrow!); a playpen is purchased to serve as her first bed; her newborn hat is knit, awaiting its final seam; and now we are waiting for the new carpeting that continues to be delayed (I think we are on our third revised delivery date) so that we can finally get the girls' room set-up complete with crib and a new bed for Annaliese. I am trying to get life as organized as possible to smooth this transition. But I hope I am wise enough to know that one can only do so much, and then one has to just accept things as they are. In the meantime, however, I do not wish to squander a single moment of time when I feel good enough to do something - anything. ;>

Status Report

I have reached the point in my pregnancy where I am actually daydreaming about and craving exercise. I love exercise, but I hardly ever do it, because part of me hates it. I have caught myself fantasizing about yoga practice and sit-ups and running on the treadmill, even weight-lifting. I am already designing fitness programs for three, five and six months from now. The way my baby sits it is virtually impossible for me to exercise at this point in time. My lungs are so completely compressed that just trotting up and down the stairs one time requires a complete cool-down routine. Making dinner occasionally becomes an impossibility half-way through preparation. I am forced to sit on a chair and either wait for Sean to get home and finish, or else boss my sweet children around telling them what to stir, what to wash and when to add things.

This morning everything hurt when I woke up. As I lay there I remember thinking, "Why does my stomach hurt? and my back?" Then I rolled over and in the process happened upon my ever-expanding belly, "Oh, yeah! I'm pregnant - that's why everything hurts!"

I really do not enjoy pregnancy - even when I feel really lucky to even be pregnant. I'm grateful to be almost done with all of this - it is not my cup of tea. I admit I am jealous of women who "love" being pregnant. I can't decide if I have an attitude problem, or if I have legitimate reasons to want to skip over these nine months. For now the sofa is my friend and sleep is a sweet escape from my reality. Two more months. I will survive!

Yuck!

I've already been sick for three months of this pregnancy. Will someone please tell me why it is starting all over again for the final three months of this pregnancy?

Drum Roll Please . . .

We will be having more of these - ribbons and braids and dresses.
This morning we got a beautiful look at Alyxandria Brynn.
She will be arriving with the daffodils!

Tidbits

I love fall. It's time to plant bulbs and enjoy apple cider and crisp, cool days with unbelievable blue skies. I get to break out my beloved jackets and sweaters (some of which I still fit in - at least for another month or so). I am really enjoying the kids being in school, although I was very worried it would make me cry everyday (not a tear!). It is a season full of change and promise and curiously fresh even as it is a season preparing for death. Fall does not make me miss spring or summer. I love fall in its own right, independent of other seasons. It is glorious in its uniqueness.

Halloween is just around the corner, and I have been spending every well-feeling moment concentrating on costumes. Djeryd's and Anna's are being constructed from scratch, essentially. Erik just needed a brown cape - no problem. Djeryd found me yesterday feverishly working on his quidditch uniform and asked if his costume was the most complicated. I said yes. His sly little smirk expressed his self-satisfaction over that one.

I LOVE making the kids' costumes every year. It is so fun and rewarding for me to figure things out and just to create. But I am always taken aback by the amount of money I spend creating a home-made costume. I could have purchased Djeryd's complete quidditch costume for half of what it is costing me to make it. But I must admit, the one I am making is gorgeous. Satin-lined quidditch robes are not available at costumes.com.

My last tidbit for today is my sweet baby girl who has recently decided to play with the dolls that have sat in the nether corners of her bedrooms for the past 10 months. Now I often hear the words "Look, Mommy. I'm a good momma." Today she was rocking her baby on the couch because she told me it got a black eye and needed a cuddle. Then she patiently changed her baby's "very stinky" diaper, which she said "made a mess all over the table" (yum). We had one brief discussion about appropriate baby beverages as she was caught trying to pilfer a juice box from the garage to "feed the baby". (Anna is notorious for opening a juice box - which is strictly forbidden as they are for school lunches ONLY - and drinking two swallows then leaving the juice to ferment on the counter untouched for days on end.)

A Return to Domestic Bliss

No pictures today; just happy, sweet feelings. It has been literally months since I have actually enjoyed cleaning my house, or thrown my creativity into making a meal. Morning Sickness seems to have officially departed (although I admittedly slept for two hours in the middle of the morning today). The curse seems to have finally lifted. I am delighting in washing windows, dusting and vacuuming. I'm back to adapting recipes to make them even more scrumptious than the original. I am enjoying making after-school snacks for my little ones. And Anna and I are getting out for a daily errand (just to get out of the house and into some fresh air). Life is good. Life is wonderful. And I can't stop smiling. Yippee for the second trimester!

Because We Are Lousy at Keeping Secrets

Yes, this is an announcement.
I hear March is a lovely month to be born.